Persuasion Secrets From FBI Negotiator

Most of us want to master persuasion.

But, persuasion happens only after you’ve built trust.

So the first step to persuasion is to build trust.

The first sentence FBI negotiator Greg Vecchi speaks to anyone — Bank Robbers, Sucidals, Criminals is “I’m Greg with the FBI. Are you okay?”

It makes others feel it’s about them. He changes the whole dynamics of the conversation. He later builds even more rapport.

Today, I’ll share a snippet from the book The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind by Jonah Berger.

It is about how Greg spoke to a Dad (Let’s call him John) who was about to commit suicide.

Several years ago Greg was negotiating with a father who was threatening to commit suicide. He had lost all his hopes.

He’d lost his job, and couldn’t find another one. And he was worried about being able to provide for his family.

The only way he could see to help them was to kill himself. He had a large life insurance policy, and if he died, he hoped the money would help take care of them.

In situations like this, people’s first reaction is to be direct. The insurance company is not going to pay out if John commits suicide, so you should tell him, right?

But that’s not in John’s frame. That’s not where he’s coming from.

And if you start trying to be rational with him and talk from your perspective, he’s probably going to kill himself.

So Greg started with John. He introduced himself, asked John if he was okay, and began to work to understand what his underlying issues were.

“I worked for this guy for twenty years,” John says, “and I was fired and now I have no income. The bank owns everything. I’ve got to take care of my family, and so this is what I’m going to do. I’ve got good insurance money. No one needs me.”

“Tell me about your family,” Greg says, turning into Mr. Helper, trying to learn about John because he cares about him.

“Oh, well, I’ve got a wife and two great kids,” says John.

And because he emphasized the kids, Greg picks that positive subject as the one to explore further.

“Well, tell me about your kids.” “Well, yeah. I’ve got — they’re two boys,” said John. “They’re two boys? Really?” said Greg, paraphrasing and mirroring. “Yeah,” replied John.

“Well, sounds like you love them,” said Greg, labeling the emotions. “Sounds like you really love them.”

“Well, yeah, of course, I do,” said John. “Seems to me you’re a really, really great dad who’s trying to do the right thing,” said Greg.

“Well, yeah, of course, I am, right?” replied John.

Greg gets John to start talking about his kids and their relationship. How John wants them to be good boys and respect women. How John takes them out fishing and teaches them life skills. How much his kids love spending time with him.

And after they’ve been talking for a while and John shares all this information, Greg comes back with “Well, gee, John. It seems to me that if you kill yourself today, your boys are going to lose their best friend.”

And then: silence. Greg says nothing and just lets that said sink in. Because he just put a dilemma in John’s head. Not by telling him what to do, or by pushing, but by listening and reframing John’s own words. And because he’s developed a relationship with John, and helped him, and done it all without judgment, it’s tough not to listen.

Now John’s not going to kill himself. Because suicide no longer seems like a viable option.

The Takeaway

When people feel understood and cared about, they start to trust.

When people feel like someone is pushing or trying to convince them, they often push back, digging in their heels and resisting.

To change minds, we need to stop trying to persuade and encourage people to persuade themselves.

No one likes feeling someone is trying to influence them. After all, when’s the last time you changed your mind because someone asked you to?